Step into the dating world with confidence.
When I was asked to write a short article for this month’s issue, I enthusiastically agreed until I heard the topic: the dreaded ‘Dword’—dating. I never thought that I’d still be dating at 40 years old. I was actually married for five years, but, unfortunately, it ended in divorce—the other dreaded ‘D-word.’
Dating can be difficult and awkward for anyone, but it is even more so for someone with a disability. Individuals with disabilities acknowledge that certain “details” have to be discussed with their partner that might not otherwise be relevant. Of course, these details vary depending on the extent of a person’s disability. Questions arise in your mind, such as, “What if I need assistance while we are together? What if he is uncomfortable around my disability? What if . . . ? What if . . . ?”
You can worry all you want, but the bottom line is that you can’t let fear inhibit your actions. Ultimately, if you want to be with someone, and have a fulfilling relationship, you need to get out there. It’s not easy. Many of your concerns are legitimate, but you can’t let fear control you because the end result can be wonderful.
The most popular way to meet someone these days is through online dating. It makes sense; it’s convenient, efficient and affordable. Many of my able-bodied friends and friends with disabilities have tried it and had successful results.
Amongst my disabled friends, there are two approaches. First is the “Let Them Know Up Front” approach, where you reveal that you have a disability in your profile, which is a short description of yourself that is usually required on dating Web sites. The rationale behind this approach is that he is going to find out eventually, so you might as well be forthright. Also, some women find it easier to not be approached at all, rather than be rejected for a disability later on.
The second is the “Get to Know Him First” interested in dating someone with a approach, which involves your revealing your disability-but not every man. There are disability later on. My girlfriend explains it this many men who will see you for who you truly way: “I want to get to know him, to see if he are and treat you with the love and respect is even worthy of sharing anything that that you deserve. You are a unique and personal.” She also believes that most amazing woman. Take care of your body, people are not accustomed to disabilities, so mind, and spirit. Love yourself and you will the knowledge that one exists may affect be surprised at how many others will follow. any initial perception. No matter what your approach, you need to be cautious, trust your instincts and use sound judgment. Some of the Web sites- such as match.com, one of the more popular-have an important page called “Online Dating Safety Tips.” These include:
1. Start slow
2. Guard your anonymity
3. Exercise caution and common sense
4. Request a photo
5. Chat on the phone
6. Meet when you are ready
7. Watch for red flags
8. Meet in a safe place
9. Take extra caution outside your area
10. Get yourself out of a jam
Finally, you must remember to never settle. Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that some men, for whatever reasons, are not
Wendy Crawford is the founder of www.discoverythroughdesign.org and www.mobilewomen.org.
Dear Wendy,
I’m 47 and have used the online dating service and my approach has been wait get to know them at least a month before revealing my disability. I know to some that may seem like a long time but my reasoning about it is
the more time a person invests in me not only would we get to know each other better but because of the amount of time spent talking they may not be so quick to brush me off.
Even the staff at eharmony.com are stomped about the best way to approach potential matches about a person’s disability. It was explained to
me like this because some can be very judgemental about physical appearance it was decided by the research that was conducted that a
potential match is more likely to date someone that may be overweigh etc,,
if they go through the introductions first and reveal their photos last.
I do elude to my disability in my profile by telling them that I’d like them to meet Rico (Name for my wheelchair) once we get to know one another.
There’re no clear cut answers or solutions but what it very evident to me is that no one likes loneliness whether you’re walking or rolling or on a pogo stick.
Shelia
A great new online dating product, the Personnel Security Standards Psychological Questionnaire (PSSPQ). What condoms are to sex, the PSSPQ is to online dating! This is not just a
cute parallel comparison, it is absolutely true, unfortunately so —–! Condoms are a safety tool, you really would not want to use them without being motivated for safety. The PSSPQ
is also, just a safety tool and no one would purchase its utilization unless one was appropriately concerned regarding safety. One has to be aware that just about all people, who make
use of any of the online dating sites, or who are contemplating use of these sites, are aware of the great number of dangers that one opens him/herself to when starting to use these
online dating sites, hopefully to meet their Mr. or Miss Wonderful. Only a VERY few of the available online dating sites (and these few are a couple of those that charge fairly steep
fees to make use of the sites) offer customers any safety features at all. eHarmony.com does make use of a built-in lie scale, which is a small part of its advertised 400+ item
personality testing battery, however, this particular lie scale only consists of only 20 True/False type items (i.e., not very sensitive) that are fairly ‘transparent’ as they stand out rather
prominently in contrast to the other couple hundred personality testing items. In other words, this eHarmony.com lie scale is rather obvious to those ‘taking’ the whole test as the
scale looks like it serves a different purpose than does the rest of the testing battery. A good lie scale should not be able to be ’spotted’ as a lie or anti-truth-telling type scale; rather,
it should faultlessly blend in with all of the other items that comprise the overall test. An other popular (and expensive) online dating site, that offers some rather real safety to its
customers is the True.com site. Its safety mechanism offering is to do a criminal background check, as well as a current marital check, on those who apply for membership. This
really sound better than it actually is. Apparently, their background checking database really does no cover the entire USA, only done at an individual state level, or for some
combination of a few states. In other words, their data bases, which are used to accomplish criminal background checks, is frequently questioned as being fragmented and incomplete.
Another very major problem arises when a candidate for True.com membership makes use of a name that is not his/her own, or even worse – uses someone else’s name. Using an
incorrect name can defeat the whole criminal background checking. So what safety device or tool can be employed by a safety-oriented potential customer of any of the online dating
services? Fortunately, one is available that really works. It is the PSSPQ, a psychological test that was originally developed and constructed by a very senior psychologist, who at the
time of its construction was the Chief Research Psychologist in the USA’s then largest intelligence agency. It was developed using the most scientifically sound test construction
procedures and was designed to predict whether individuals, very early-on in the investigation/adjudication process the Government has set up to evaluate individuals for unusually
high-level security clearance status, would eventually be successful or not in being granted such a clearance status. The PSSPQ, which in reality is a very advanced test for personal
honesty/integrity, was found, based upon lots of repeated research, to accomplish exactly what it was designed to do. It successfully predicts the success or nonsuccess in eventually
being granted high-level security clearance status at about a 95% accuracy level. For the past several years the PSSPQ has been sold for individuals use on the Internet (see:
http://www.home.earthlink.net/~lastone2/psspq.html). During the latter part of 2006, it was discovered, by user customers of online dating sites that the PSSPQ was an idea tool for use
in evaluating the personal honesty/integrity of persons who they had come into contact with through online dating sites services. At about that time, research was conducted regarding
use of the PSSPQ in the online dating prospect situation. The results have been almost completely strongly supportive of such a usage. By the way, the PSSPQ contains what is
believed to be the very best lie scale ever placed in a real-world psychological test. It contains none of the lie scale problems that does the scale in the eHarmony.com lie scale. The
PSSPQ’s LIE Scale is much larger, stronger, and less visible [as a lie scale] than any other lie scale in use now or in the past. The PSSPQ also provides comparative information,
regarding the prospective dating partner, on 11 different human frailty or problem areas that are highly correlated with favorable levels of personal honesty/integrity. Finally, an
overall score for generalized personal honesty/integrity is provided; it is this scoring that very accurately predicts success/failure to be eventually granted high level security clearance
status in the PSSPQ’s original purpose situation. Information regarding use of the PSSPQ for evauating prospective dating partners, that one might meet through the services of