By Scott Chesney
How have you been doing with your New Year’s resolutions so far? Hopefully, you are staying focused and committed to your plans for 2008. If you are not and have fallen back into your old pattern of procrastinating, here is a sure way to revitalize your resolutions: associate pain with the situation you want to change.
What do I mean by that? The most direct way to effect change your life, whether to fulfill a commitment to yourself or to others, is to get in touch with the pain you might cause yourself or others staying exactly where you are.
For example, if you are seeking to lose weight, ask yourself, “How long has it been that I have wanted to lose this weight?” For some people, that is pain enough to get motivated to return to the gym, explore a healthy diet, etc. For others, that is not enough. They have not pushed beyond their comfort zone yet-they have yet to experience enough pain. When we finally do experience enough pain in our lives, we will make a change. Before a health issue arises, if it has not already, why not think about how long it has been and how long it could be that you continue to not lose weight.
If thinking about how long it has been that you have refused to lose the weight that deep down inside you know you must lose, imagine yourself a year from now, still overweight. How about 2 years, 5 years, 10 years down the road? How does that mirror reflection look now? Is that enough pain? Before the pain really enters your life in the form of serious health issues, link to the pain now and make some changes to your life!
Our question this month comes from Jackie:
My husband is a paraplegic with a T-12 fracture. He has been in a chair for 32 years. We met many years after his injury. We’ve always had a wonderful, intimate relationship; however, it seems to me to be pretty one-sided. I give him back rubs, hand massages, we have wonderful, romantic baths by candlelight, etc. But I am the only one able to experience an orgasm. I’ve asked him if he experiences any of the physical feelings that accompany orgasms and he says he does not.
This does not hinder his desire to make me happy physically.
My question is, what does he get out of our physical intimacy? It seems a silly question and I know part of it is just pleasing the one he loves. But it seems to me there has to be more to it than that.
Great question, and one that I am quite sure many couples out there can relate to on many levels.
Many men with SCI have shared with me that they focus on bringing their partner to orgasm to overcompensate for their lack of being able to achieve one themselves. Please don’t get me wrong. They enjoy it immensely, but they are also on a mission. Many men with SCI, are also in competition with men who don’t have an SCI, fearing that our significant other may want to be with a man who does not have a physical disability. That is probably one of the deepest fears that I have come across in talking with many men with SCI.
So what does he get out of your achieving an orgasm? Why not ask him? It sounds like you have a healthy and solid marriage that certainly can withstand this question.
There is still a lot about the male orgasm that is not entirely understood. In the 1950s, Robert Kinsey, a scientist who first explored human sexuality in any detail, described the orgasm as, “an explosive discharge of neuromuscular tension.” One thing is certain: some men who are unable to ejaculate, have erectile dysfunction, or don’t have sensation in their penis and other parts of their bodies, are still capable of orgasm.
My recommendations in moving forward would be to talk openly with your husband on this subject. If you are not doing so already, set up an appointment with his SCI doctor or urologist to better understand the medical issues involved, and simply explore one another’s bodies. Considering that there are no two spinal cord injuries alike, who is to say what type of orgasm your husband is capable of experiencing? Even after 32 years of marriage, you have the opportunity to find new ways of stimulating one another in areas you would have never dreamed of exploring.
Enjoy the journey!
Scott Chesney, paralyzed 22 years ago as the result of a rare stroke, is a popular international motivational speaker and life coach. You can reach him via e-mail at chesney12@comcast.net.
This column is intended for informational purposes only and should not be construed as offering medical advice. If you have a medical condition requiring attention, please seek the help of qualified medical professionals.
