By Scott Chesney
At least once, about every two weeks, I receive a phone call or an e-mail asking if I could reach out to an individual who has just become spinal cord injured or a family that has witnessed a loved one entering the world of paralysis.
While many people believe that I have immediate answers for these people, I am often lost for words because I get caught up in the grief and despair that they are feeling. No matter what I, or anyone else has to say, a loss has occurred and that needs to be understood and acknowledged.
So, what is my normal immediate response? Comfort. Sometimes comfort can be delivered by simply listening to someone talk. How often do you wish people would just close their mouths and listen for a change? Then there are other times when people are so emotional that they can’t formulate a sentence. These are the times when you simply take them by the hand and walk them through whatever it is they are trying to overcome. Just being there for people is a reassurance to them that they are not alone.
When our lives are severely disrupted and pretty much thrown into a tailspin when paralysis enters our lives, it is human nature to want to feel safe and secure. Sometimes just being there for people is all that it takes.
Two of the letters that I recently received focus on this subject. The first is from Don:
Someone from the hospital staff recently left a copy of Action next to my bed here in rehab and I could not be more thankful. I was paralyzed nearly two months ago after falling from a rooftop that left me a T-11 SCI and don’t know where my life is headed. I am 41 years old, have three young children, a wonderful wife, and life was going quite well for me. That all seems to have changed within a split second and a miscalculation on that rooftop. I don’t even know what to ask you, but just hoping you can pass along some guidance being in a chair yourself.
First and foremost, I am sorry that you and your family have to endure paralysis. It is not something that I would wish upon my worst enemy. Still, though, I believe it could be much worse-for example, your not surviving that fall from the rooftop.
Don, you are still here and there is still so much life waiting to be lived by you. I know that this is difficult to digest because all you have known for 41 years is a life of freedom when it comes to moving your body and getting around. You have developed a whole new vocabulary now from your days in the hospital and rehab and changes are entering your life by the dozens each and every day.
Just know that you have what it takes to see yourself through this. The first thing that jumped out at me when I read your e-mail was that you have “three children and a wonderful wife.” That has not changed. How you do things with your children may change, but deep down inside that love and appreciation that you have for them and they have for you will grow even stronger through this experience. I am hopeful that the same will hold true with you and your wife. Lastly, be open to connecting with others around you who have SCI and remind yourself that you are not alone.
The next one is from Leslie and Richard:
We are the proud parents of a 14 year-old who was born with spina bifida, but for the past year, we have noticed many changes with her that concern us. She has done a wonderful job in handling her disability, attending a fully integrated school, making many friends, and had always seemed to have a smile on her face until last year. Now, she always seems to be angry, not wanting to socialize with her friends as much, and her grades are starting to drop. There haven’t been any major events in her life or the family’s in the past year, so we are quite puzzled by her change in attitude. Please help.
Even though the best way to actually determine what may be going on with your daughter would be to talk with her, from everything that you shared in your letter, it sounds to me that her disability has caught up with her.
While coaching many teens who were born with their disabilities, I notice that the majority of them had a great adolescence, but had difficulties transitioning to their teenage years. For many of these kids, their teenage years mean they are awakening to their disabilities. This means, for the first time in their lives, they may actually see themselves as having a disability.
Once you see yourself in a certain way, we tend to think that everyone who looks at us, sees us in that way as well. It is perfectly normal what your daughter is going through because all teenagers go through this adjustment period in their lives, but it can be much more challenging for a person with a disability. Keep reminding her of all that she has achieved in her life, the endless possibilities that are awaiting her in her future, and the importance of having a high self-esteem, no matter what one’s abilities or non-abilities may be. Hope this helps.
Enjoy the journey!
Scott Chesney, paralyzed 22 years ago as the result of a rare stroke, is a popular international motivational speaker and life coach. You can reach him via e-mail at chesney12@comcast.net.
This column is intended for informational purposes only and should not be construed as offering medical advice. If you have a medical condition requiring attention, please seek the help of qualified medical professionals.
