By “Coach” Scott Chesney
Speak up for yourself-politely. I strongly encourage everyone to do this, whether you have an SCI or not. But considering how many of my brothers and sisters with disabilities share stories about their “missed opportunities” with me on this subject, I feel compelled to extend my two cents especially to you.
Let’s begin with people offering you help, whether it be inside your home with family and friends or outside your home in the company of perfect strangers. Whether you like it or not, people are going to offer to help you, so get used to it. If you are approaching a door that needs to be opened, are shopping in a grocery store, navigating puddles or maybe even snow, or maybe even trying to get your wheelchair into your car, most people are going to want to help you. Whether or not you choose to accept this help is perfectly up to you, but please make a vow to yourself that you are going to be nice and either accept graciously or decline just as graciously.
I continue to witness and hear too many stories of people with disabilities yelling, screaming, and even barking at people when they are offered assistance. While I fully realize that being independent is very important to us all, disability or not, ask yourself if anyone in his or her right mind is seeking to strip you of your independence? I really don’t think so.
For example, whenever I’m at the grocery store, mall, you name it, I am constantly being approached by perfect strangers asking me if I need any help or sometimes even grabbing the wheelchair before I can give a response. I have a choice. I can either respond politely by saying, “No thanks. I have it, but thank you for asking,” or I can respond nicely again by saying, “Yes, that would help me out a lot. I really appreciate it.”
If you take just a moment to remind yourself that people are simply seeking to assist you, to help you. If you don’t believe this, you still have an opportunity to extend kindness to those who offer help. Take a moment to think about how you would respond if you were on your feet and saw someone with an SCI who needed help. Would you be inclined to help them even if you did not know this person or exactly what to do?
Justin recently wrote me on this subject:
“Scott, I have had an SCI for 7 years now and I still find myself getting angry when I am out in public and even at home for that matter. Being a C-6 quad, there is still so much I can do, but it always bothers me when people offer to help me. Why is that and how can I change this?”
Justin, I hear you. I believe that each and every one of us with an SCI has a pretty strong voice inside of us that says, “I can do it.” This voice serves us in many ways in persevering and testing the human spirit, but it can also be a detriment when we really do need help and others are around to help. People with SCI have had so much of their independence taken away from them, there is often a tendency to want to hold onto whatever they still have. This can lead to frustration and then, for many, ultimately anger.
But asking someone for help or allowing someone to help is not a sign of weakness, nor a sign of a lack of independence. On the contrary, it is a display of courage and strength beyond measure.
While writing to Justin, I am reminded of a gentleman I met while traveling in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. As a C-6 quad, he could drive his car, but was not strong enough to transfer in and out of his car. Since he had a job and only one way of commuting back and forth, he mad a decision. Each and every day, he would ask a complete stranger to put him in his car at home and another complete stranger at his workplace, to get him out of his car and into the wheelchair. He informed me that he had never missed a day’s work in three and a half years.
Something to think about.
Scott Chesney, paralyzed 22 years ago as the result of a rare stroke, is a popular international motivational speaker and life coach. You can reach him via e-mail at schesney@unitedspinal. org.
This column is intended for informational purposes only and should not be construed as offering medical advice. If you have a medical condition requiring attention, please seek the help of qualified medical professionals.
