ASK THE COACH |
By “Coach” Scott Chesney
Over the past few months, I have received many e-mails from readers who are seeking to socialize more, get out and into the dating scene, make new friends or reconnect with old friends, or just be around other people.
Jan writes, “Coach Scott…I know I need to get out more, but I don’t know where to go and I am afraid that even if I knew where to go, it would not be accessible for me.”
Pete writes, “I’m done with dating. It always ends up the same way. The woman can’t handle my being in a wheelchair.”
Isabella writes, “Scott, I love just being home by myself, but I also feel isolated. Please help.”
Socialization is a huge issue, not just for people with disabilities, but also for people without disabilities, believe it or not. Our society has become so technologically savvy that we have replaced face-to-face interaction with texting, IM, and e-mail.
Think about it. You probably do not even use your telephone as frequently as you used to even 2-3 years ago.
While the latest gadgets are forms of communication and do allow us to connect and to some degree, socialize with others at warp speed, something is being lost in the translation. I am worried that my fellow brothers and sisters with disabilities are being greatly, negatively affected when it comes to old-fashioned socialization.
Now I know that it is extremely challenging for many of you to get out on your own and socialize. Whether it be transportation issues, caretaking issues, bladder and bowel issues, or any other health-related issue, I do understand and I know, firsthand, how stressful and arduous it can be.
But I also understand that not one person reading this column can tell me that they have exhausted every possible resource in trying to socialize more. Find a way! If you have called two transportation companies and can’t get anywhere, call a third—and a fourth! If you have caretaking issues, talk to others who are in similar situations and ask them what they do when they want to go out. Bladder and bowel issues can be tricky, but explore different ways to manage it better.
You don’t have to socialize all the time. Just a few hours a week is all it takes to get out and connect or reconnect with new or old friends. Stop making excuses and start making life happen. You deserve it!
Jan, there was one word in your e-mail that put up a red flag for me: “afraid.” Fear is ultimately the only blockage between you and getting out there. Remember, the mind thinks and the heart knows. You even stated that “I know I need to get out more…” Give your heart what it wants. Call in advance to find out if the restaurant, church, mall—you name it—is accessible. Just pick a place that sounds appealing and make it happen!
Pete, don’t give up. If you keep thinking that your relationships/ dates are going to end a certain way, guess what? They will. There will be some women (and plenty of men) who will see your wheelchair as a novelty, but lose interest in it quickly. Then there will be others who couldn’t care less that you are in a wheelchair and want to be with you because they like you. Just make sure that it isn’t you on some level who is sabotaging these relationships. I have coached many men with disabilities who believe their significant others deserve more (physically) and almost subconsciously, take action or make remarks that ultimately end relationships. Don’t let that happen to you.
Isabella, I was told a long time ago that being alone is the presence of oneself and being lonely is the absence of oneself. There is nothing wrong with being alone and enjoying time just simply being by yourself. If this is a 24/7 thing for you then I would recommend making some changes. A feeling of isolation is certainly a red fl ag for loneliness, but if you are feeling that only from time to time, which is how it sounds, then do everything in your power to get out there. Now in your case, it does not have to be a large amount of time. It could be if you want it to be, but it could very well be just a few hours a week, connecting with friends or making new friends. Find the balance of being with yourself and being with others.
Scott Chesney is an internationally recognized motivational speaker and life coach, who was paralyzed from a rare spinal stroke at the age of 15, back in 1985. He can be reached at schesney@unitedspinal.org.
This column is intended for informational purposes only and should not be construed as offering medical advice. If you have a medical condition requiring attention, please seek the help of qualified medical professionals.
