| ASK THE COACH
By “Coach” Scott Chesney
Something quite interesting has been happening to me in 2009, much more so than ever before. I am being approached by people who are nondisabled who want to talk about their relationships, marriages, love life, sex life, you name it, with their companions who have a disability.
While I have coached couples before, I usually provide more support for the person with a disability in the relationship, thinking that they are certainly in need of more support. That is not the case in all situations. There is so much that your nondisabled partner is experiencing through your relationship that is needed to be expressed as well.
I will get to my requests in a minute, but first, I want you, my brothers and sisters with spinal cord impairment (SCI), to take a moment to think about what your significant other may be thinking and feeling with regards to your relationship. Explore the highs and lows, especially how they could possibly be directly linked to your SCI. Why? Because it’s healthy to do so. As I have said many times before, it is never good for you to keep any emotion, perceived as positive or negative, locked up inside.
So here’s what I want you to do (and then report to me, if you would be so kind): Tell me what you think your partner would say about how your SCI affects the relationship in all aspects. Totally try and put yourself in the other person’s mind and heart. Now, you may be one of those people who have a totally open relationship with your partner and can discuss everything and anything. Try to find an area where there may not be as much open communication as there are in other areas—really push the envelope.
Many people with whom I have connected were quite grateful for all that their partner’s disability has given them….first and foremost, compassion and sensitivity. I can’t tell you how many people feel compelled to tell me how wonderful their husband/wife or boyfriend/ girlfriend is because of everything they have endured. They tell me how creative and adventurous their partners are—in and out of bed!
“Creative and adventurous?” you may be asking yourself. “Who me?” Yeah, you! If you think about it, we probably work harder than any other species in being creative and adventurous to make up for things that we may have lost in our lives. So, whatever your mind is telling you with regards to your being boring and not matching up to our nondisabled counterparts, think again!
Communication is also another category where we must commend ourselves. Too many people who are walking around this Earth have it all wrong. Communication is one of the key ingredients to a healthy love and sex life. I know I just turned some of you off, but hopefully you will hear me out because communication is perceived by many as a “turn on!” I once was told by a guy, “You get in, you get out, and you be on your way,” as he was referring to his take on sex.
Now I am all for quickies— and I don’t mean the wheelchair brand—but there are so many more elements that can contribute to a healthy love life, relationship, or even a sex life. Variety is the spice of life and the more you can mix it up in your relationship, the better it will be. There is a difference between liking the way things are (our comfort zone) and the way things could be (outside our comfort zone). Visit both worlds in your relationship. Comfort zones are great and so many people are quite content with them for obvious reasons. But just know that even if you were to move outside your comfort zone, you can always come back.
So here is your assignment, should you choose to accept it. Please ask your partner to send me an e-mail, telling me what he or she likes most about your relationship, love life, or sex life as it pertains to your having an SCI and what he or she likes least about it (again, as it pertains to your SCI). Please inform them that any of the responses that I choose to include in my next column will be done anonymously. This is feedback that I am sure will be of benefit to us all on some level.
Scott Chesney is an internationally recognized motivational speaker and life coach, who was paralyzed from a rare spinal stroke at the age of 15, back in 1985. He can be reached at schesney@unitedspinal.org.
This column is intended for informational purposes only and should not be construed as offering medical advice. If you have a medical condition requiring attention, please seek the help of qualified medical professionals.
